AUSTIN, Texas — Members of the jangle pop quartet Pine Box announced the addition of a second bassist, known mononymously as Waffles, to keep their first one company, confirmed sources.
“After we found our last bass player dead from chewing on the amp cords we made a pact to take better care of our next one,” said lead singer Damien Tutoro. “We looked in his enclosure and he had hardly touched his American Spirit Blues so we knew something was up. It’s a common misconception, but bassists aren’t really meant to be solidarity creatures. The ones you may have heard about are total anomalies. Either way, our bass player is so much happier now. In fact, he no longer pukes in our practice space and eats it off the floor. Thank god for that.”
Original bassist Dave “Domino” Miller couldn’t be more excited for the addition.
“Super stoked to have a new member of the rhythm section joining me on my sonic journey. And beyond that, I’ve got a new friend. Now, next time the band leaves me in a truck stop bathroom, I’ve got a buddy I can chill with ‘till the bus circles back to get me,” remarked Miller. “It’s also nice to have someone in my bunk on the tour bus with me. I get a little lonely up there by myself and when they close the curtains I’m kind of afraid of the dark.”
Other bassists in the community applauded Pine Box’s efforts.
“They’re really doing the right thing here. A lot of these bands just want a brand new bass sound, like something bred in a lab, when there are all these bassists looking for a dependable home to make their ‘thump thumps’ which is what bassists call finger picking,” praised Dogstar bass player Keanu Reeves. “The loneliness was actually why I got into acting. Being on set was nothing like playing the bass, people listen to you man, like really listen. But, like the bass, it’s not really about your line delivery, it’s just about the vibe you bring and how you look bringing it.”
At press time, fans criticized the band after they brought in a second drummer that they bought from a breeder.