ALTOONA, Pa. — Gary “Konkey Dong” O’Donnelly is reportedly in stable condition after performing his most punishing stunt yet which has received less than two dozen views since it was posted on YouTube six days ago, according to younger brother and camera operator Cooper.
“I feel like I’m right on the cusp of getting the attention of the big leagues,” said O’Donnelly from his hospital bed. “This was my biggest stunt yet. I tased myself, jumped off of the roof, dropped through a burning tractor tire onto a trampoline, sailed through a plate glass window, and landed in a pile of barbed wire and fluorescent tubes. As I was flying through the air, I just kept thinking about how this video was going to blow the fuck up. Cooper uploaded it and I waited for the views to roll in, but so far, there’s only been 17. And half the views are mine. I’m assuming it’s a glitch at YouTube headquarters that will be worked out soon.”
O’Donnelly’s mother, Ruth, is fully supportive of her son’s aspirations.
“No mother dreams of spending a Tuesday night pulling thumb tacks out of their son’s rear end, but I want Gary to follow his dreams,” said Mrs. O’Donnelly as she swept bloody shards of glass from her patio. “I believe in him, and I’ll always be there to rush him to the hospital when something inevitably goes horribly wrong. What he’s doing with these videos is his art. Unfortunately, his genius might not be appreciated during his lifetime. No, I don’t think it’s hyperbole to call my son the Van Gogh of backyard wrestling, I mean he did lose most of his ear in a Pennsylvania Death Match against Marty the Mooch.”
There’s a growing need for institutions to care for those injured while striving for online attention, according to Richard Holder, director of the Shady Knoll Convalescent Home in Norman, Oklahoma.
“Our facility has a new floor dedicated solely to young people recovering from injuries sustained in the pursuit of likes and views,” said Mr. Holder. “We treat all manner of aspiring internet stars, from backyard wrestlers to mukbangers to milk crate challenge victims. Yes, we treat their physical injuries, but more importantly, we gently try to convince our patients that what they’re doing might not be worth living a short life full of pain and agony.”
At press time, a bedridden O’Donnelly was observed sketching his next stunt, a Rube Goldberg-esque series of life-threatening acts involving car batteries, a live alligator, a wasp nest, and a kiddie pool full of ghost pepper oil.