SAN FRANCISCO — Local man Jeff Pierson is allegedly “frustrated beyond belief” after his recent autism diagnosis led friends and family to assume he unironically enjoys the band Train, sources playing Mr. Mister on the radio report.
“Ever since the summer of 2009, I’ve been certain of two things — that I was probably autistic, and that I do not like a single Train song,” Pierson said while in line to return a Drops of Jupiter CD given to him for his birthday. “I know they all suck because ever since my diagnosis, people keep playing their music for me because they think they’re my favorite band. It’s such a hurtful stereotype. My real friends know I’m obsessed with the Final Destination franchise, not some soft rock bullshit. I can’t even enjoy my favorite kills now because people bring up how Train wrote ‘50 Ways to Say Goodbye’ about some of them.”
Train frontman Pat Monahan doubted Pierson’s claims about being stereotyped, insisting “at least a couple” autistic fans enjoy the band’s music.
“I’ve had quite a few parents come up to me at shows and tell me how much their kids love our tunes,” Monahan said while hiding from a group of middle-aged mothers. “One mom told me that ‘Hey Soul Sister’ inspired their nonverbal son to speak for the first time in ages. Technically he said ‘Turn it off,” but you know, he was probably confused. Autistic kids are sensitive to loud noises, not our mellow jams. I just pray someday the good people at Autism Speaks find a cure so these kids can survive to adulthood and join their moms at our shows.”
Psychiatrist Dr. Jennifer Holmes countered Monahan’s statements with her own data about autistic patients and Train’s music.
“Autism is a spectrum, and all of my autistic patients have different experiences living on that spectrum. That being said, they all agree that Train sucks,” Holmes said while examining her research. “Not all of my patients report being sensitive to loud music, but almost every single one carries earplugs in case they need to block out ‘Drive By’ on the radio. Some people just don’t want to hear overplayed TJMaxx music from the late aughts.”
At press time, Pierson was busy looking at train schedules.