PHILADELPHIA — Local rock band Royale Slats played an afternoon set at Parsleybrick Beer Garden to a crowd containing more pups than people, slobber-covered sources confirmed.
“I guess I should’ve expected this when their website said it was ‘dog-friendly,’” said lead singer Connor DeRosa, while petting someone’s off-leash goldendoodle. “But apparently ‘dog-friendly’ means you literally can’t enter the venue and drink some overpriced IPAs unless you have at least two whiny uncontrolled dogs probably named Theo and Bella. Pretty clear this show isn’t gonna be our big break. I have no idea if those dogs enjoyed our set, unless you consider a bunch of labrador mixes barking their heads off during our acoustic ballad as support. On the plus side, the dogs weren’t yelling homophobic slurs at our guitarist or shouting stupid requests for ‘Freebird’ or anything like we usually get. So that’s something.”
Many human patrons appeared unaware of the performance taking place, including Justin Leiffert, who was at a table with his two French bulldogs.
“Didn’t even realize there was a band playing until halfway through their set,” said an incredulous Leiffert, nearly spitting out his 9.6% ABV lager called The Architect’s Hegemony. “Huh, that must be why little Tonka Bean kept trying to run over there. We let him and his sister just kinda wander a little and do their thing. I finally figured out there was a band playing when one of my dogs came back with a setlist in its mouth. Hope the band didn’t need that.”
The canine-centric crowd at Parsleybrick represents a growing trend at beer garden concerts nationwide, confirmed entertainment industry analyst Katrina Sacopolous.
“Any time you’ve got a show with a fenced-in patio, extensive draft beer menu, and men wearing that one checkered J. Crew shirt, your days of expecting an audience of primarily people are over,” stated Sacopolous. “You’re getting dogs. Lots of dogs, often unsupervised. To encourage inattentive fans and maybe even some crowd-surfing, we highly recommend bands bring a few packs of Pup-Peroni on stage and occasionally throw them out to the crowd as if they’re guitar picks. But no, there’s not really anything you can do to get actual humans to pay attention at those shows. Between the beer, their dogs, and their phones, you’re just not on their radar.”
At press time, Royale Slats’ encore was temporarily halted as Parsleybrick staff members scrambled to remove a pair of German shepherds attempting to hump an amp and violently chew through the guitar cable.