PITTSBURGH — Local man Kevin Cole and his friends failed again moments ago attempting to sneak a keg into a DIY venue, according to sources gleefully watching the men struggle.
“These places always jack up the price for beer, and we had this keg from a house show we ended up cancelling… so I figured, fuck it, let’s bring it,” reported Cole as he smoked in front of the venue. “Getting it in has been a bitch, though — I figured we’d have my buddy Steve strap it to his back, wear a trench coat and say he was a hunchback. But he kept bitching about how he thinks he slipped a disc and that his feet are numb, so we scrapped that. We then dressed it up in glasses, a hat, and Misfits shirt and tried to sneak it in… but the bouncer asked for its ID.”
Witnesses report the group tried increasingly drastic measures — including the use of a pulley to get the keg on the roof, and a catapult to slide it through a vent.
“I’ve been working the door here for years now and I’ve seen just about every attempt people could make to sneak in alcohol,” said bouncer Mike Avery. “I know these guys see me as an authority figure, but I wish they wouldn’t insult my intelligence with this idiotic spectacle — at one point, they all showed up in matching jumpsuits and fake mustaches and claimed they were delivering the keg. But when I told them deliveries go around the back and usually occur much earlier than now, they just sort of panicked and ran.”
Security footage shows the group eventually took a break to drink some of the beer and refocus, and quickly realized they were lacking the necessary equipment to use the keg.
“Yeah, [Avery] told me about these assholes and to keep an eye out for them,” said bartender Stacey Madison. “Not long after, this nervous looking guy came up and asked for six cups. I told him that we don’t just give people cups… and then, about 10 minutes later, another guy comes up and asks to borrow a tap. They really thought I couldn’t put two and two together.”
At press time, two members of the group were hospitalized after the rope hoisting the keg to the roof snapped and crushed them.