PHILADELPHIA — Recent transplant Eric Bromley’s ill-fated attempt to meet new people outside of a punk show escalated into a full-blown fist fight within minutes, according to sources who feel for the guy but weren’t about to step in.
“Yeah… I don’t know what’s really going on. I moved to Philly for work a couple months ago, and the people at my office are all squares,” explained Bromley, a software developer. “All my best buds back in Sheboygan I met while splittin’ atoms outside punk shows, so I just figured I’d probably meet some like-minded people here the same way. But I asked some guy if he had an extra cig, and he just cold-cocked me out of nowhere. I fucking hate this city.”
Cliff “Buzzsaw” Porter, who confirmed he punched Bromley, insisted that Bromley wouldn’t have been hurt if he weren’t “such a bitch-ass bitch about everything.”
“First of all… fuck that guy. I don’t know who he thinks he is, or who he thinks he knows, but it sure as shit ain’t me,” Porter stated. “Smokes don’t grow on trees around here, so he can piss right off. As far as I’m concerned, he tried to rob me. He’s lucky I didn’t curb stomp him. I’ve actually seen guys get stomped out for less.”
Concerned bystander and self-proclaimed relocation expert Bella Ruiz claimed such “misunderstandings” are not entirely uncommon, despite being easily avoidable.
“Oftentimes, when we see people attempting to make friends, you offer something up rather than trying to take something from the other person,” she explained, now around the corner from the ordeal she attempted to intervene before an errant fist led her to quickly abandon the scene. “It’s a very interesting strategy Mr. Bromley took — obviously, it didn’t work out the way he’d hoped. I will add this altercation to my findings.”
After icing his eye and fixing his hair, Bromley was seen searching open software developer job postings located in Brooklyn, N.Y., mumbling to himself that, “Surely New York must be a friendly place, right?”