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Anthropologists Believe Cro-Mags May Have Used Pro Tools In Late Hardcore Phase

COLLEGE PARK, Md. – A new study suggests that the Cro-Mags may have used Pro Tools in the Late Hardcore Phase, contradicting earlier theories about the group’s ability to advance into modern times.

“For decades the academic community has accepted that the Cro-Mags could never have used Pro Tools, given their limited cognitive abilities and general lack of interest in literally anything mainstream,” said Dr. Brianna Foster of the Hardcore Institute’s Anthropologic Department. “The evidence, however, is all over, and I’m not referring to ‘The Age of Quarrel,’ that shit is legit. I’m talking about the Late Hardcore Phase, post millennium era. I don’t even need to show you hard evidence, just listen to the catalog–everything sounds a little too perfect, and there’s even a shift in release format. Why did they stop issuing vinyl? How’s that for a fucking sign?”

Cro-Mags fans were surprised and shocked at the revelation, including Dave Van Noik, who doubts the validity of the study’s findings.

“Analog–I’m talking about tape, here–is the only way to study the fossil record. It’s real, it’s raw, you ain’t gonna find the Cro-Mags on a fucking computer,” said Van Noik, getting increasingly agitated. “Late Hardcore Phase is so vague too, what is that supposed to be? This ain’t Third Wave Ska or Proto-Punk, it’s Hardcore, and it cannot be subdivided by some scientist nerd that has never stepped foot near a mosh pit and certainly has never done a stage dive.”

Steven Drenning of the Smithsonian Institute’s Museum of Natural History fears yet another schism in the hardcore community based on recent findings.

“Chaos, utter chaos, that’s what this leads to. Sometimes I think the academic community is just trying to stir shit up for no reason at all. The average hardcore fan does not give a fuck how a record is made, they just want to memorize the lyrics as fast as possible so they can look cool singing along at a live show,” said Drenning, gazing wistfully at a photo of Ian MacKaye circa 1981 A.D. “We’ve examined the records extensively, and I can conclusively say everything up to ‘Near Death Experience’ is done without Pro Tools or Logic or anything remotely modern or functional.”

“Besides, most of us at the Smithsonian kinda checked out when the Cro-Mags started taking each other to court over stupid legal bullshit, though,” added Drenning.

At press time, Dr. Foster was said to be preparing a definitive list of the entire population of the Cro-Mags, though others claim such a feat is impossible.

Photo by Selbymay.