NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A recent ancestry report revealed that a small portion of hardcore legend Henry Rollins’ DNA could be traced back to a species of permanently angry, spike-encrusted stone creatures known as Thwomps, several Koopa Troopa sources report.
“Given their primal urge to constantly want to squash things, their signature scowl, and rock-hard body, I can’t say that I’m completely surprised by this revelation,” Rollins explained while looking at a Google image of a Thwomp in between checking himself out in the mirror to see the resemblance. “All those years in the early scene when I would drop my head directly onto people and crush them to death just as they were approaching me, it all makes sense now. I can completely relate to their DIY smashing ethics.”
A Thwomp who has been living in the Mushroom Kingdom since the early days says he’s thrilled to share some heritage with the hardcore legend.
“This kingdom used to have a pretty lively hardcore scene back in the day before they built that one Whole Foods that ruined everything. Me and some other Thwomps used to play in a band here called Speed Run and we were heavily influenced by the southern California hardcore scene in the ‘80s,” the cube-shaped spiked rock explained. “I haven’t played music in a couple years, but it would be sick if Henry came to visit Bowser’s Castle and we can jam or just pulverize shit in our immediate vicinity. That would rule.”
Host of the PBS show “Finding Your Roots” Louis Gates Jr. has come across several musicians who were surprised to share links to some video game characters.
“Shockingly, punk and hardcore musicians almost always share at least a small amount of DNA with characters from classic video games,” Gates Jr. said. “When we traced Harley Flanagan’s ancestry, it turns out he’s nearly 100% Battletoad. He was so thrilled that he tried fighting our entire production crew because of it! Also, the singer from Harm’s Way’s lineage traces back to the blond guy from ‘Contra.’ That’s why he’s so proficient at wielding an assault rifle on stage and being muscley as hell. You just never know what an ancestry report may uncover.”
At press time, Rollins was already planning a speaking event inside Bowser’s castle, which a Thwomp instantly regretted organizing after hearing some of his spoken word albums.