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America Successfully Interferes with Own Election

WASHINGTON — General chaos and disorder continues to plague every level of the political process during the 2020 election cycle, confirms an independent investigation that determined American intelligence forces are actively engaging in election fraud.

“After reviewing these results, I can say with full confidence America is successfully meddling with its own election,” said computer security expert Bradley Finnerty. “However, it’s not like you need a career in computer security to know something is wrong with these results here — not since the ‘hanging chads’ incident in Florida have we seen such flagrant attempt at subverting democracy.”

The interference, which first came to light with the disastrous Iowa caucuses, has its share of defenders — including Lola Huddle, a caucus employee and retired English teacher who stands by the process and the recorded results of her district.

“The math here is sound: all of the employees multiply votes for certain candidates by two, and then recycle any suspicious votes from counties that have majority black and brown voters,” said Huddle, wearing Pete Buttigieg “Win the Era” swag. “It’s about time our government stepped forward to protect our democracy from people voting.”

America has previously stood accused of interfering with the political processes of countries like Venezuela, Libya, Iraq, Yemen, Chile, Korea, Palestine, Bolivia, the Philippines, Vietnam, Syria, Colombia, and Afghanistan, among others. This, however, marks the first time in recent memory that the U.S. stands accused of directly manipulating its own elections.

“For a majority of the existence of America, this nation has meddled within the affairs of other countries. And that meddling is not simply limited to elections, coups, withholding of financial aid, or arming questionable groups who may have some lofty goals aligned with America’s more imperialistic desires,” said historian Danielle Brandt. “ Frankly, it should not come as a surprise to anybody that it’s now happening so brazenly here.”

During a press conference on American manufacturing and labor, Democratic candidate Pete Buttigieg addressed the suspected interference.

“We will continue to ensure that every election from here on out will be free from Russian interference,” Buttigieg proclaimed. “And if I am the Democractic nominee, I will ensure all interference in our elections is American home-grown and manufactured.”