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“Alexander Wept, for There Were No More Worlds to Conquer” Whispers Man After Hitting Last Page of Pornhub Results

FORT WORTH, Texas — Local masturbator James Matheson was overheard thoughtfully whispering to himself a historical poem about Alexander the Great upon reaching the last page of PornHub search results, slightly less perverted sources claimed.

“Toil and risk are the price of glory, but it is a lovely thing to live with courage and die leaving an everlasting fame,” explained Matheson while washing out his fleshlight in the kitchen sink without moving any dishes. “Considering the breadth of internet porn, I never thought I would ever reach the end of the smut rainbow, but alas, I stumbled upon the metaphorical edge of the world while edging to “funtari” porn. Just as the fire in my soul has been extinguished, the “next page” link on the PornHub results has vanished, leaving me with nothing to which I can pull my pud.”

Roommate Keri-Ann Dominguez expressed her concern with how often Matheson “enjoys” his body.

“James is a good roommate, as in he pays his rent on time and is quiet. But he only ever really comes out of his room to grab a Prime from the fridge when he needs to ‘rehydrate.’ It’s honestly pretty concerning.” said Dominguez. I tried once confronting him about his severe porn addiction, but then he started waxing philosophical like he was Roy Batty at the end of ‘Blade Runner.’ I sometimes need to find just the right video to get you over the top, but I really think he needs to discover another hobby besides pounding his meat like it’s a railroad spike.”

Historian Rita Ballard noted the relationship between great leaders like Alexander the Great and insatiable perversion.

“While internet porn addiction is obviously a relatively new phenomenon, humans have been spanking their bits and stroking their shit since before the invention of fire. And those who struggle with porn addiction actually share quite a bit with some of the great leaders throughout history,” said Ballard. “Egyptian Pharaohs used to masturbate into the Nile river to ensure a bountiful harvest. And later in life, Mikhail Gorbachev famously couldn’t climax unless his partner was dressed as Reagan and demanding that he ‘tear down these pants.’”

At press time, Matheson was forced to go one hour without touching himself, during which over 11,250 new videos were uploaded to the site.