CHICAGO – Local stoner Matt Reed recently discovered that his daily alarm at 4:20 p.m. wasn’t received well during his trial for possession, scowling sources report.
“I set this dumb shit up with my buddies Big Rick and Julian so we always knew when it was time to spark up another fatty,” Reed explained. “The alarm would go off when we were watching TV, playing video games, or prepping for a work presentation. It was always funny, because duh, smoking is hilarious and one of my only lasting hobbies. During my trial though, no one laughed. The judge actually called me a ‘complete moron’ and my public defender looked like he was about to quit. Julian was in the gallery and he didn’t even stand up, salute, and say ‘Sergeant Tokes reporting for duty’ like he normally would. Dick.”
The cannabis-themed alarm was immediately used in Reed’s cross-examination, which had begun at 4:18 PM.
“I asked him what the alarm was about, but he insisted it meant he had to take his medicine,” said Chicago DA Valeria Stone. “I told him that was obviously untrue, and he shrugged his shoulders and told me I ‘got him, bruh.’ Frankly, while marijuana is legal and this trial was about his Percocet possession, I cannot express what an utterly boneheaded move this was. He basically just handed the judge evidence that he can’t stop doing drugs. And then, of course, I caught him smoking during court recess. I don’t know how he managed to sneak in a bong made from a Dan Akroyd’s Crystal Head Vodka bottle. But honestly, I’m kind of impressed.”
Although Reed was embarrassed by his alarm, drug use by American plaintiffs and prosecutors alike has been commonplace throughout history.
“Most people in the legal system are zooted to the moon,” said University of Virginia professor of law and historian Brian James. “This case reminds me of the famous Marbury v. Madison case in which we established the ability of our court system to strike down unconstitutional laws. Halfway through the closing arguments, one of Marbury’s assistants ran in with a snuff box full of cocaine, as it was 2:15. The whole court had a big laugh and then chopped up some lines and ripped them on a Bible. Important case and set the precedent for decades.”
At press time, Reed was held in exactly 69 counts of contempt by the judge.