TRENTON, N.J. — 31-year-old punk William “Billy Club” Moore’s new model-building hobby is primarily just a socially acceptable means for the scene elder to continue his longtime glue huffing habit, slightly light-headed sources confirmed.
“Making all these models is a great way to pass the time. I may not be a young man anymore, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a creative outlet,” said a glassy-eyed and somewhat distracted Moore, surrounded by paper bags. “Check out this fucking ship in a bottle I made last week — I had a blast working on this thing, and some of those pieces are even in the right place. Who needs to go outside when you’ve got plenty of glue… uh, I mean, crafts to keep busy with?”
Longtime friend Stephanie Stanwicz supports Moore’s newfound enthusiasm for constructing models poorly.
“It’s good to see he’s growing up a little and trying out some adult hobbies. This is way better than that time he got really into pogs a few years back,” said Stanwicz. “Sure, none of his models are assembled right, and most of them look like he kind of gave up halfway through, but what do you expect? He’s still developing his interest. Give him time… and maybe a non-toxic alternative to that rubber cement he’s been using.”
Not all are confident Moore is serious about his new hobby. Melanie Winston, owner of the craft and games store The Thrifty Gnome, noted Moore’s attitude as he purchased another tube of glue and the kit for a 1/400th scale battleship model.
“This man is single-handedly keeping the store in business,” said Winston. “He transfers me some money, and I leave tubes of glue out behind the store under a bucket for him. Look, I’m all for amateurs getting interested in model-building, but that guy might actually hurt himself doing this. I just hope he doesn’t get interested in building his own rockets or something — I’m afraid he might try to huff whatever they put inside the propellant. That stuff will really mess you up.”
At press time, Moore was passed out on his credenza after drinking 34 bottles of paint meant for miniature figurines.