BOSTON — Middle-aged punk Mickey “Goatfucker” Sullivan never thought that swallowing several pills at once would be the most mundane part of his day, confirmed sources.
“I used to get up to some pretty crazy shit back in the day and most of it was preceded by me slamming a fistful of capsules down my throat and chasing it with cheap vodka. Hell, one night I took a Xanny, an Addy, two hits of ecstasy, three or four Percocets, and a tab of acid all at once,” said Sullivan. “That’s the night I got the nickname ‘Goatfucker.’ I blacked out that evening, so I’m not completely sure how I got that name. I hope it’s not exactly what it sounds like. Good times though. Now I take twice that amount of pills every morning but it’s all boring shit like blood thinners, anti-depressents, and some little pink thing I can’t pronounce the doctor gave me for cholesterol.”
Sullivan’s wife expressed her own incredulity regarding how boring her husband’s drug intake has become.
“Goat — I mean, Mickey used to be a madman. He’d eat anything you’d hand him. Pink, yellow, blue, oval, round, he wouldn’t ask about the dosage or anything, just down the hatch. Back in the day we’d go see The Queers at The Rat, and Mickey would be in the pit the whole time taking elbows and not feeling a thing,” said Holly Sullivan. “Now he’s pushing 50 and breaks like a porcelain doll. If he even sneezes too hard, his back goes out and it’s bed rest and Advil for the next two days.”
Sullivan’s primary care provider, Dr. Ken Stuart, says this happens to every punk once they hit middle age.
“I see this all the time. Punks who used to shoot up in the club bathroom now give themselves daily insulin injections. Goths who used to wear gas masks as a fashion statement, now sleep with a CPAP,” explained Dr. Stuart. “Hell, I wouldn’t have graduated from med school without amphetamines. Now I have to drink decaf so my heart doesn’t leap out of my chest. What Mickey is experiencing is nothing unique. Getting old makes boring, normies of us all.”
At press time, Sullivan was strongly considering crushing up his morning medication into a fine powder and snorting it via some “fat rails” out of nostalgia.