PITTSBURGH – A chance encounter at a family function sent a Pennsylvania woman into duress after meeting her distant cousin for the first time. The woman, who sources confirm is a grown-ass adult, assumed rare form as she became oddly compelled to impress the young boy with her deep knowledge of punk subculture upon noticing his Dead Kennedys T-shirt.
Gathered at her Uncle Mike’s house to celebrate his recent retirement from the police force, 35-year-old human being with a mortgage, Leslie Walton, had just sat down for dinner when her second cousin, 12-year-old Scott Burgess, joined the family at the table.
“He showed up wearing that shirt and I don’t really know why but I just immediately felt like I needed him to like me,” Walton states. “So weird, this has never happened to me before.”
Determined to assert her position as “the original punk one” of the family, Walton embarked on a 90-minute attempt to impress the 7th grader, complete with tales of getting “super wasted,” and a loud recalling of the time she was pretty sure she sat a few rows back from Jello Biafra on a plane.
When a Cometbus reference went completely over Burgess’ head Walton dismissed him as the irrelevant one, stating that she knew “exactly what kind of asshole she was dealing with here.”
“I’m not calling him a poser or anything, I mean he is just a kid,” Walton said. “I’m just saying that the shirt was definitely brand new, probably ordered off the internet or something.”
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“I can’t be the only one who noticed that crease down the front, right?” she added. “I bet his mom — Stacey, standing right over there by the BBQ — irons that shit for him.”
Walton’s expansive knowledge of everything punk certainly left an impression on the young boy, who missed a Little League game in order to attend the dinner.
“That lady was weird,” Burgess recalled. “At first I thought it was kinda cool that she was into DK, but by the time she rolled up her sleeve to show off her sparrow tattoo, the whole thing just felt really sad and desperate.”
“I guess that kinda thing happens when you turn, like, 50 or whatever,” he added.
Photo by Amysue Linkroum.