OAKLAND, Calif. — The adoption form for an elderly dog with gangrene at Pups in Paradise Animal Shelter required everyone in the rescuer’s household to have Pentagon clearance, reported several baffled sources.
“This isn’t a game. We take adoptions seriously around here,” said rescue director Sharon Bell, as if scolding a classroom of elementary school students. “We require applicants to submit at least seven forms of identification, a round of blood tests, and hold Pentagon-level clearance to be considered for adoptions. We feel it’s our duty to be thorough for the sake of these innocent creatures, which is why we partner with the Federal Bureau of Investigation to ensure our adopters’ records are squeaky clean. You’d be surprised how few people meet these basic requirements. It’s truly disappointing, because our oldest dog, Crumbles, is patiently waiting to find his forever home. Yes, he has a slew of high-maintenance ailments to treat, and you have to hold his head up to keep his windpipe from collapsing, but we’re willing to wait for the right person.”
Dave Jackson was crushed when he heard he was denied approval to adopt Crumbles.
“I applied for a maximum security job at NASA once, and the background check to adopt this dog was 10 times more intense,” said a deflated Jackson. “My buddy was actually able to buy a gun with less paperwork, which is insane. I was really looking forward to having that little guy to spend the day with. I knew it would have been a huge commitment with his gangrene and all, but I wanted to give Crumbles the life he never had being cooped up in that rescue shelter. Even though my credit score is 800 and I have a full-time, work-from-home job with a house and a yard, Sharon said I ‘wasn’t the right fit.’ She also said she didn’t like my shoes and that my face looks weird when I smile, which I found unnecessary.”
Crumbles admitted that Jackson probably wouldn’t have been able to handle his growing list of conditions.
“This kid thought he could bust in here like my knight in shining armor, but he wouldn’t survive a single night with me,” Crumbles said through his oxygen mask. “I need military-grade medical attention round-the-clock, and I fear he’d forget that I can’t have treats, and then I’d choke on one since I have no teeth. Or he’d try to give me a bath like it’s no big deal, not realizing he needs to use a special sponge prescribed by my vet so that my flesh doesn’t slough off my body. What would he do when I forget where I am and start screaming as loud as I can at 4 in the morning? Sharon is my only advocate, and if she thinks it’s best to stay in this small cage near a drain, she’s probably right.”
A follow-up with Pups in Paradise revealed that Crumbles was adopted 2 months later, but promptly returned, as his mere presence had cursed the only family given adoption approval.