FENTON, Mo. — Local man Jason Miller is struggling to take the ghost haunting his home seriously after discovering the apparition wears an enormous pair of JNCO jeans and mostly wants to know what he missed in the fifth season of “The X-Files,” sources confirmed.
“He came through my wall at like 2:30 in the morning while thrashing his head around to ‘Twist’ by Korn,” said the 35-year-old Miller. “But the bottoms of his pants came through like five seconds before the rest of him, so I could obviously see him coming. It totally ruined the whole experience. He didn’t even say ‘get out’ in a demonic voice or anything. However, he did ask if Mulder ever found out what happened to his sister. I told him I thought so, and he disappeared.”
Paranormal investigator Cynthia Bell identified the spirit as Kyle “K-Rad” Patterson, a 17-year-old local skateboarder who died in 1998 while attempting what friends called a “switch mongo Christ Air to fakie” over the infamous Satan’s Drainage Ditch behind a suburban OfficeMax.
“This is clearly an intelligent manifestation capable of manipulating objects, producing electronic voice phenomena and moving freely through solid surfaces,” Bell said. “Unfortunately, Kyle mostly uses those abilities to ask whether they still make Surge and if anyone has seen his copy of ‘GoldenEye.’ I heard sometimes, in the middle of the night, you can even hear the sound of his chain wallet. I guess that’s sort of eerie.”
Former friend Trevor “Roach” Kessler, now 47, said Patterson was a legendary figure in the local skateboarding scene whose death occurred while attempting a trick that everyone warned was “completely fucking psycho.”
“Kyle had been talking about conquering Satan’s Ditch that entire summer. Nobody had ever cleared the Devil’s Nipple switch,” said Kessler while staring wistfully at what is now a PetSmart parking lot. “He had the speed. That wasn’t the problem—Kyle always had speed. But he tried to tweak the Christ Air after he’d already committed to Satan’s Gap, and then his JNCO jeans got caught on his board, which caused a nasty spill. He died almost instantly.”
As of press time, Patterson reportedly painted “LIES” in blood across Miller’s bathroom mirror after learning the Taco Bell dog died 17 years ago.
