NEW YORK – The 20th annual Puppy Bowl is expected to open with an elaborate fireworks display which has many of the animal handlers questioning the safety of the event, sources confirmed.
“Let’s be honest, the Puppy Bowl has gone stale. America used to love the adorable puppies flopping around with chew toys, but now they are tired of that. They need a spectacle, and we are going to fire off so many fireworks that the field of play will be soaked in dog piss before kickoff,” said Animal Planet’s new creative director, Vernon McClintock. “We want our Nielsen numbers to skyrocket higher than the goddamn Apollo 11. We want our gridiron to set the benchmark for America’s pastime, and what’s more American than copious pyrotechnics?”
Team Fluff Head Coach Dale Claremont is confident his team will be inspired and roused by the fireworks display.
“Some ASPCA goober said we’re ‘traumatizing’ the puppies, but you’d be surprised how fired up these dogs get when they see patriotism like that on display,” said Coach Claremont. “I’ve kept these dogs on their toes for the past two weeks by randomly banging pots and pans together while they sleep and running around their practice space with a chainsaw. This team is ready. Sure, we weren’t able to pull the litter out from under the green room couch through the first 5 practice takes. But once these pups stride into their zoomies, they really get going!”
Some critics are still questioning their novel approach such as event planner Odessa Shelton who coordinated a similar program before the 2005 National Dog Show.
“The National Guard put on a 21-gun salute for this German Shepherd who fetched an IED in Fallujah and that was a disaster,” said Shelton. “Though they used blanks, I knew it was a mistake before the first trigger pull. The entire Philly Kennel Club was painted wall-to-wall with projectile Purina Chow from both ends. I can still recall that awful stench almost 20 years later, but I’m still not sure these Puppy Bowl producers have the slightest whiff of the explosive shit they’re in for. It won’t just be gunpowder; I can safely predict that much!”
At press time, Puppy Bowl organizers were scrambling to call off the slated Air Force flyover show, planned promptly after the kitten halftime show.