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13 ½-Year-Old Punk Has Midlife Crisis

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — 13 ½-year-old punk Bailey Tolbert is in a “full-blown” midlife crisis, unsure what to do with the remaining years she has left, sources close to the teen confirmed.

“I always planned to die young and leave this shithole of a planet nice and early,” said Tolbert from the Thomas Jefferson Middle School parking lot. “But I’m not even addicted to any drugs yet. Some of my friends have already gone to rehab — I’ve only smoked pot once, and I don’t even know if I got high. I have a lot of catching up to do.”

Like many punks her age, Tolbert is increasingly aware of her own mortality, feeling a need to “live her life to the fullest.”

“I live close enough to my school to walk to class everyday,” said Tolbert. “But I convinced my dad to help me hook a lawnmower engine up to my bike so I can crank to school in style. Once I get that baby up and running, things are going to change.”

Tolbert has even created some goals for herself, including travelling more and finding a serious romantic partner.

“Before I’m washed up at 15, I want to go to the mall in Waterbury. I heard their food court has two Dairy Queens,” said Tolbert. “And, frankly, I’m at that age where I’m sick of playing games. I want an actual relationship, not just someone teasing on Snapchat.”


Indeed, many of Tolbert’s peers have found inspiration in her late-stage reinvention.

“I thought that, at my age, there was really nothing else for me to experience,” said 14-year-old punk Dennis Pettway. “I’ve had the same friend group for three years, and we’ve done it all. But Bailey is showing me I can achieve so much more. So, I’m finally going to do it — I’m going back to school and finishing my education.”

Despite her new clothes, hair, and risky behavior, Tolbert’s parents believe this phase, like most, won’t last forever.

“Her brother was the same exact way when he was her age. He bought a leather jacket and pierced his nose and was just such a wild child,” said her father, Jack Tolbert. “But now he’s a Yale global business major, and just joined the same fraternity I was in. She’ll come around.”