Steve Packosky
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CANTON, Mass. — Observers of the cover art of Dio’s 1983 debut masterpiece “Holy Diver” collectively agreed that the priest…
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Steve Packosky
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SAN FRANCISCO — Legendary thrash metal band Metallica announced that Kirk Hammett is to be the new lead guitarist after…
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Jon Wood
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LOS ANGELES — Notorious rapper Kanye West apologized for his past controversial remarks about former President George W. Bush, confirmed…
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Ryan Dondero
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DALLAS — Local man Dave Hensley is confident that his first date with Rachel Caldwell went well, despite talking about…
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Noah Dominguez
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BERKELEY, Calif. — Local punk Charles “Chuck” McCoy is adamant that everyone knows his hatred for hippies stems from a…
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Reuben Blanchard
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BOSTON — Local 46-year-old musician Tim Reddy of the seminal one-person noise/grind collective 5CrpseFckPrty complained that you could no longer…
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Tyler Roland
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JEROME, Ariz. — Jehovah’s Witness Leonard Standish and Tool fan Don Schmidt spent all night spreading the gospel of their…
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The Hard Times Staff
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WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump attempted to justify his policy of mass deportations by claiming illegal immigrants are taking up…
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Chad Kubrak
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It’s 2025 and after over a decade of unchallenged mainstream hegemony, your hatred of Drake has been vindicated. Look, we…
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Trevor Graham
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LOS ANGELES — Local punk Corey Lambert awoke in the middle of the night in a cold sweat after realizing…
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