WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth continues to adamantly deny multiple claims that he thought Metallica’s Kill ‘Em All was called Kill Everyone, insisting that he was merely ordering a non-metal-related war crime.
“I want to be 100% crystal clear on this: The Department of War is metal as fuck,” said a defensive Hegseth during a press conference early this morning. “The notion that I could confuse the name of Metallica’s debut album is an insult to me, an insult to the armed services, and an insult to the ideals this nation was founded on. Once again, the liberal Marxist media machine has taken my words and spun them out of context. I was simply giving a military order that clearly violates international law, and only because intel confirmed those boats were harboring beardos and fatties.”
Chad Brown, a longtime aide close to Hegseth, provided further context that seemed to back his boss’s side of the story.
“I know it can seem confusing at first, but it’s really quite simple. When Pete talks about Justice for All, he’s talking about Metallica. When he’s talking about killing everyone, he is referring to war crimes he would like the U.S. military to commit. If he says ‘Master of the Puppets,’ he’s talking Metallica again; if he says ‘Puppet Master,’ he’s talking about Steven Miller. ‘Ride the Lightning’ is tricky; he either means the Metallica album or that he just slammed an energy drink, but ‘Load’ always means JD Vance.”
Despite Hegseth’s denial, metal purists across the nation continue to call for his immediate resignation.
“They need to get his posser-ass out of there now!” said metal historian Artemis Blackblood, speaking to reporters at a demonstration outside the White House. “We’re talking about a man who’s so unfamiliar with Metallica he didn’t know they would sue the shit out of him for using ‘Enter Sandman’ in a Pentagon video without authorization. Any real Metallica fan knows they’re litigious as fuck and that The Black Album sucked shit! Motherfucker probably listens to Ghost, he’s a disgrace!”
At press time, Hegseth was overheard by staff calling for “Mega death” on a Venezuelan fishing barge he didn’t like the looks of.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
