WASHINGTON — Inspired by Turning Point’s alternative halftime show, Kristi Noem has announced that she will be airing her own version of The Puppy Bowl to compete with the “Woke” Animal Planet program.
“The Puppy Bowl, as it currently exists, is a disgrace,” claimed Noem in a social media post. “Frankly, it was irresponsible of Animal Planet to greenlight this drivel in the first place. This is the sort of soft, mindless media that causes people to lower their guard and become trans instead of going to war. There is no point, no goal, it’s just annoying puppies running around like they own the goddamn place with no stakes of any kind. I can assure you, my puppy bowl will very much have stakes.”
Construction of the U.S.A First Puppy Arena, or “Thunderdome” as some have taken to calling it, is nearly complete, and features various booby traps, AI-powered drone turrets, and various caches of weapons the “smartest puppies” can defend themselves with. DHS advisor and referee Stephen Miller explained the rules in more detail on a promotional video.
“This will be a winner-take-all elimination-style tournament. Think ‘Twisted Metal,’ but with puppies. This game is not about coddling wild animals or showing off how ‘cute’ they are, whatever that word means. This is about survival of the fittest. Thousands of puppies will enter the arena, but only one will ever leave, and even then, it’s no guarantee the creature will be allowed to live. This administration understands that football is not everybody’s thing, so now, instead of being coddled with the Marxist, ‘everybody gets a trophy’ woke propaganda that is the Animal Planet Puppy Bowl, people who don’t like sports can still receive a healthy, sharpening dose of brutality, and victory over weakness.”
The event is being met with almost universal criticism, with even some of the most die-hard MAGA supporters now souring on the administration.
“I’m one of the few republicans who can say they’ve been with Trump the whole way up until now, but this is where I draw the line,” said MAGA influencer Cameron White. “Full disclosure, I am racist, I am sexist, and I believe that the most successful people in this country are entitled to engage in pedophilia behind closed doors, but puppies?! I mean, come on! Even Hitler loved his goddamn dog!”
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