MINNEAPOLIS — An ICE agent is reportedly resting comfortably in hospital and expected to make a full recovery after an intense and reportedly near-fatal masturbation session earlier this week.
“Our thoughts and prayers are with Todd Underling and his family,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem in a press conference this morning, addressing the immigration officer who very nearly cranked himself into an early grave, according to sources. “Mr. Underling had a long, hard day of performing the warentless door to door raids that secure this countries freedom, he wanted to boost his efficiency by optimizing his relaxation, and in his deep, deep passion for performing his duty free of stress, he became dangerously dehydrated, and suffered injuries to his wrist, and some chaffing that may have become infected. I am told he is recuperating as we speak, and that the pornography he masturbated to was strictly girl-girl stuff; he was not looking at any weiners.”
By morning, Underling was well enough to recount his harrowing ordeal with reporters via Zoom.
“I was just doing what any good patriot in my situation would do,” said Underling, who was in full body traction despite having at best a sore shoulder. “I’m normally not a dry guy, but the only lotion at the motel was scented, and that felt too feminine. I should have known three times was too many, but between the illegals and the protestors, and they “Hey, you’re murderers!” all goddamn day I figured I made the call to go for an extra release. It was this hot girl-on-girl scene that did me in, pretty sure there were no dudes, and if there were dudes they were just doing missionary and the camera was mostly on the girl’s huge cans, so you couldn’t see the guy’s thing. Anyway, I guess Jesus decided it wasn’t my time.”
Fellow ICE agent Russ Callow recalled finding his comrade near death in his motel room, and the race to get his friend to the hospital in time.
“There was no time to think, I knew the score right away,” recounted Callow. “I guess I was driving pretty recklessly, because I kept hearing angry voices say things like “Hey, that’s my mailbox!” or “Holy shit, stop shooting at me from your speeding car! I guess I was pretty shook up. You know, because of Todd’s condition, not because I was weirded out by the porn. It was normal porn with just hot ladies, the kind we all jerk off to at ICE.”
At press time, Kristi Noem has pledged an investigation to find the ANTIFA hackers who loaded Underling’s hard drive with search terms like “BBC sissy JOI marathon” and “Poppers slave.”
