MINNEAPOLIS — Blake Clansmyn, an agent with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), allegedly shot a worker at Chipotle who impeded his investigation into lunch, sources report.
“I walked into Chipotle and immediately initiated an investigation into whether they still had carnitas or if I would need to wait. Some uppity fucker behind the counter tells me I can have the half-scoop of carnitas that’s left, probably because they overscooped for everyone else. Then I’m told to stop hovering over the employees because it’s making them nervous, and get to the back of the line. Fearing for my life, I took action,” Clansmyn said while furiously scratching his balls. “It takes a lot of calories to peel children away from their mothers’ legs, punch high schoolers in the back of the head, and demand proof of citizenship from stray dogs. My per diem only covers one meal and three packs of ZYNs a day. If you impede my lunch, you impede an ICE operation, and that puts the entire country at risk. It’s domestic terrorism. I had no choice but to shoot that mouthy bitch right then and there.”
The worker, Sofia Rodríguez, disputed Clansmyn’s assessment of the carnitas situation.
“[Clansmyn] said he was in a hurry and really wanted carnitas, so I told him that he could either have the last bit or wait for the next batch. That’s when the shooting started,” Rodríguez said while waiting another hour for ICE’s medic to arrive. “It took him five shots before a bullet finally grazed my ear, and he was only a few feet away. One of the missed shots blew up the container in the kitchen with the marinating carnitas in it, so now no one gets any carnitas. After the smoke cleared, he unzipped, itched his balls, and left. Does he have a fungal infection or something?”
Gary Marks, a use-of-force expert, said the shooting couldn’t be justified.
“After reviewing security camera footage, it’s clear there were other suitable meats available, such as barbacoa and chicken. It’s not like the worker offered that Sofritas shit as an alternative to carnitas. ICE is completely out of control,” Marks said. “I also suggest ICE get more than 30 minutes of firearms training before being let loose on the population.”
As of press time, Clansmyn fired his weapon again after fearing for his life during an encounter with another ICE agent.
