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Feel Old Yet? You’re Not Allowed to Date Any of the 15-Year-Old Girls at This Pop-Punk Show

Were you born in 1998 or before? Did you graduate high school in 2015? Then we’ve got some news that will shake up your world. Get ready to feel old because we are about to hit you with some mind-blowing 15-year-olds you are too old to date at this pop punk show. Of course, we are also not legally allowed to disclose these girls’ entire names on the internet, and we would feel really weird about posting pictures of underage girls in this article. So we won’t, and maybe that’s a sign that you shouldn’t even be thinking that it would be okay for you to date them. Seriously, you’re too old? Fucking creep.

Stephanie S.- 15

Stephanie is a huge fan of pop punk and likes to spend her weekends going to the movies and generally doing 15-year-old girl stuff. Not on her list of interests? Hanging out with you. Because, believe it or not, you are too old to date this girl. She relates to the lyrics of pop punk, and so do you, because you both live with your parents and desperately want to get out of your home town. But that doesn’t change the fact that she is definitely not mature enough mentally or emotionally to date you.

Janelle M. – 15

Janelle got permission from her parents to come to the show because she is not legally allowed to drive (which should be one of many red flags stopping you from attempting to date her) Not to mention she has never even heard of Darkwing Duck or the Animaniacs. Why? Because she was two years old when those shows came out. What a difference an additional 15 years makes! Back in the day you would have seen Janelle from across the venue and invited her out for some soda. But now, you have a mid-managerial job at an industrial safety equipment distributing warehouse. You should probably stop reading at this point to be honest.

Related: Oh No! Mom’s New Boyfriend Is Tony From Victory Records!

Aiden F – 15

Dude, she’s 15. What the fuck are you doing?

Kennedy G – 15

ALL OF THESE GIRLS ARE 15. We really thought we made that clear in the headline. YOU ARE TOO OLD TO DATE ANY OF THESE GIRLS. You are basically a grown man. Not only is it 100% ILLEGAL, you are at the point in your life you need meaningful attachment from someone your age, or at the very least at the age of consent. We are EXTREMELY concerned that you made it to the end of this list!

WOAH! Time to break out the cane and Bengay because we can’t believe how old we feel after that list. Sound off with your name and address in the comments if you’re interested in dating any of these girls so we can come beat the shit out of you!