Okay, so you’re probably asking yourself, “Wait a second…..they made a sequel to SLC Punk?” Or maybe, “What the fuck is an SLC Punk?” My answer to both of those questions is a simple, “yeah.” “Punks Dead: SLC Punk 2” is a 2016 film that we’re pretty sure is an actual movie.
So in order to prove the fact that this phantom film exists, we sent out a questionnaire to 200 punks, skins, goths, and rude boys/girls to see if we could gather a group of folks who had seen the film to answer a few questions for us. When we had a whole SEVEN replies, we were shocked and excited to get their consensus, to say the least.
The Hard Times: First of all, we want to thank you all for taking the time to sit down with us!
Group: (grumbling)
The Hard Times: Maybe we can start out by having you all give a brief summary of your SLC Punk Pt.2 viewing experience. Who’s going first? How about you, the one with the stink lines.
Viewer #1: Uhhhh, me? Ummmm….yeah I uhhhh watched SLC Punk 2 one night on Tubi relaxing in my neighbor’s bushes to steal their wifi. Their dog was getting a little too close for comfort, and I bolted out of there so I wouldn’t get mauled to death. I….actually didn’t make it past the credits.
The Hard Times: Oh…..okay…so you didn’t really watch it, that’s fine! I’m sure you with the bloody nose over there must have some good opinions on the film!
Viewer #2: Yeah, uhhhh….SLC Punks 2 was great. Say, you hear sirens? I feel like I hear sirens. I gotta bolt, can I have my $20 bucks now?
The Hard Times: No one said anyone was getting any money for this.
Viewer #2: Oh. Alright. Well can I have $20 bucks anyways?
The Hard Times: How about this: let’s have a show of hands. Did anyone actually watch this goddamn movie?
(Several individuals raise hands)
The Hard Times: Okay, great. Now we’ll start with you. What did you think of the movie?
Viewer #3: I thought it was fantastic. It was a bit of a different direction than the first two installments, but it works. One could argue that the addition of Hulk Hogan and Mr. T into the story would’ve been jumping the shark, but overall, it’s a classic action-packed drama that keeps you on the edge of your seat.
The Hard Times: That’s Rocky III.
Viewer #3: Oh shit, you’re right. Yeah, I didn’t watch Punks Dead, no.
The Hard Times: Ugh. Viewers 4 and 5, you had your hands raised, why? Did you see it?
Viewer #4: I want to be viewer #5, not #4.
Viewer #5: What the hell? I don’t care what number I am. You can be 7 for all I care I–
Viewer #4: I don’t want to be #7, I want to be #5.
The Hard Times: Fine, you can be #5 and you’ll be #4. But did either of you watch the fucking movie?
Viewer #4: I….uhhh….no.
Viewer #5: No, I don’t believe so. But you better have me saying “no” as viewer #5.
The Hard Times: Okay, out of seven, there’s only you two left. Please tell us you aren’t also going out of your way to completely waste our time for some reason like the rest of these people.
Viewer #6: I watched it! However, it was sort of difficult to focus on the film with my sleep paralysis demon furiously masturbating in the corner of my room while it was on my TV, but I got the gist of it, I think.
The Hard Times: So it comes down to you. Did you happen to see the movie? Do you watch movies? Do you know what a movie is?
Viewer #7: Yeah, I watched it. It sucked.
The Hard Times: Thank you for your time, everyone.