As if the world wasn’t already falling apart, now you can add the microplastics piling up in your brain to the heap of trouble. But nobody said this had to be a bummer experience. Perspective matters. Get to know the microplastics inside you!
Befriend the nearly-invisible cluster of leftover matter nestled into your grey matter. Take confidence and pride in your new free-loading friends. Just like astrological signs or Turkish coffee stains, the microplastics inside your head reveal a lot about you. And I’m talking about the real you, the you “deep down.” Check out our examples below to see what song the plastic in your cranium sings to the world.
Polyethylene terephthalate
Found in synthetic clothing and plastic bottles, having this mixed into your brain means you are a fast fashion icon who’s always “on the go,” turning heads with new constant looks, mostly because the clothes break down after 2 weeks. The consumption from your monthly shopping alone triples the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.
Polypropylene
This microplastic is found mostly in food packaging, which means we have a foodie here. You’re a natural-born culinary genius with a flair for the kitchen. And of course by cooking, we mean unthawing processed meals in your oven. You’re a hopeless romantic for “home-cooked” meals, like your family’s secret DiGiorno Pizza prep. The fledgling worms nesting on your fleshy-plastic brain mush will live longer on the processed pepperoni. Thriving!
Polystyrene
Found in foam packaging, which means your love language is gift-giving. It is so thoughtful that you are constantly buying foam-packaged gifts for your loved ones, safely boxed for their convenience. The memories may be temporary but the unboxing runoff of molecular plastic contorting our cells into malignant masses lasts forever.
Polyvinyl chloride
Commonly found in flooring and pipes, this microplastic means you’re a regular working-class citizen that loves getting dirty. Maybe you’re a carpenter, forced to work with shoddy materials purchased at bulk for discount rates. Don’t worry, the additives will make it impossible for you to ever formally draw together any complaints due to cognitive deterioration.
Polycarbonate
Found in CDs and electronics, this means you’re a total tech-head nerd squad regular with entrepreneurial spirit. Congratulations poindexter, guess all your studying couldn’t save you from a billion year decomposition thanks to the microplastics permanently encased in your skull. At least you made some sweet mixtapes along the way.
If you can’t connect with the microplastics in your brain, there are always other options. Perhaps consider moving into a rustic aged house. Perfect especially for an “old soul” willing to try new experiences, as long as they’re willing to put up with a dollop of asbestos and a sprinkling of lead.