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What Are You, the Fashion Police? Because if You Are You Have To Tell Me

You bring the stuff? Sweet. These are authentic JNCO jeans, right? The ones from the late ’90s?I don’t want none of this watered-down, kinda-baggy-leg bullshit. I want uncut, parachute JNCOs. Goddamn, just look at these chain wallets. Is this sterling silver? Fuck, this is the good stuff. Hey, wait a minute. Before we conduct this transition, I need to know something. Are you the fashion police? Because if you are, you legally have to tell me.

Look, this is America. We are a nation of laws and I know my rights. When I was unemployed (not this time but the last time) I spent every day watching “Law & Order: SVU” reruns so nothing gets by me. I’m not falling for any of your smooth-talking legal bullshit. So tell me now if you’re a simple peddler of oversized back alley denim or if you’re the lowest scum of the Earth: the fashion police.

By the way, if I want to wear my JNCOs to the grocery store, that’s my Buddha-given right. And I shouldn’t have to answer any more questions about what’s “in” my giant pocket with the 8-ball on it or why I won’t leave the tampon aisle. I have the right to remain stylin’.

What’s the point of coming in here pretending to be some sort of law enforcement agent when we all know the truth? You’re not going to get me with your sophisticated interrogation techniques like, “What’s with the fishnet shirt in January?” or “Sir, can you please turn the glow sticks off, they’re distracting the animals.”

We need to stop judging each other’s fashion choices and get back to policing real crimes. It’s time to remove the metaphorical shackles society has placed around our leather cuff wearing wrists and dress how we want! We also need to remove the very real shackles that have been placed on my wrists because, apparently, shoplifting is one of those real crimes.