With activists across the country protesting racial inequality and police violence, The Hard Times decided to sit down with police whistleblower Kelly McAllen to hear about her firsthand knowledge of unforgivably bad policing. Unfortunately, minutes before our interview, a man who we assume was with the police walked into our office to inform us McAllen died in a weird, out-of-the-blue accident and would be happy to answer all of our questions on her behalf.
Unidentified Man in Suit Smoking a Cigarette: I understand you’re interested in talking about the totally believable accident that killed the traitor Kelly McAllen.
The Hard Times: We were more interested in the rampant, unchecked violence and prejudice that permeates through every aspect of policing in this country, but sure.
As you can read in this press briefing we wrote yesterday, Ms. McAllen’s sudden passing five minutes ago is a tragedy that could not have been prevented. It’s actually very common for dirty fucking snitches to have incredibly normal accidents inside their home.
Normal? Some of these details look pretty weird. Who keeps hemlock in their spice rack? And why would she poison herself before shooting herself 87 times?
Weird? Oh no. The only thing weird about her accident was how super-normal it was. You can read the coroner’s report. Look, right there, under “cause of death.”
“Completely typical death. Nothing to see here. Move along folks.”
This is concerning. After agreeing to this interview, McAllen reportedly told her friends and family that she was worried about retribution.
Now who said that? If you give us some names, we’d be happy to clear that up.
Ya know, it’s coming back to us why we have a rule not to talk to cops.
I think we’re done here. Be sure to send your article over before you publish it. It’d be a shame if you got any details wrong, especially in a case where everything was so boring and credible.