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We Sat Down With Ted Nugent Because He Thought We Were 15

So we were just sitting outside Cafe du Stefan in Jackson, Michigan waiting for our Americanos when a man who looked like he held Civil War reenactments in a honky-tonk bar grabbed a chair from the next table and sat at ours. While we would come to discover this man was 70s guitar god Ted Nugent, during our brief time together, we saw him as simply a man. A man who mistook us for fifteen-year-olds and would not leave us alone.

The Hard Times: Um, hi…?

Ted Nugent: Hey there. Day off from school?

I’m sorry, do we know you?

Oh, I bet you do. DUN-DUN! DIDDLY-DOO-DUN-DUN! No? “Cat Scratch Fever?” Come on, they play that at all the sophomore dances! Wait, I know. You’re “Stranglehold” girls, ain’t ya! My favorite kind…

All right, yeah sure, whatever. Anyway, we kinda have to-

You look like healthy young things! Like you could handle a weapon. Heh. From what I hear, young ladies these days are real friendly with the razor. Hey, you girls wanna go shoot some pool? And when I say that, I mean do you want to grab some rifles and head down to the Community Center?

Haha, right. Anyway, we’re gonna go see if there’s a problem with our order. Americanos shouldn’t take this long.

You know, you don’t need to be so reliant on service. Have you ever killed your own coffee? Felt the spiritual connection between your energy and the energy that’s roasted and boiled out of the bean? We could head down to Columbia right now, my pickup’s got room for everyone and I always carry at least one tent.

Look, we just want to be left alone. We’d show you we have a taser but something tells us you’ve build up an immunity to those things.

You’re not really going to eat that croissant, are you? Wait here, I have 20 pounds of venison in my glove compartment. We can take it right into that schoolyard and build a fire. We’ll be eating like our ancestors in 25 minutes! I invented paleo! Take those masks off! I’ll be right back!

As he hurriedly hobbled away, we left without our coffee and hid in an ATM vestibule until we could longer hear his mournful cries of “JAILBAAAAAIIIIIT!” ringing through the square. When we safely made it to our car and got back on the road, we spent the rest of the trip blocking every 70’s Sirius station we could find.