This holiday season, we here at The Hard Times wanted to offer our audience something nice. With all those expensive goods wrapped up and sitting there for the taking Christmas time is basically Christmas for thieves. But how do you pull off a holiday score without getting caught? We went to the big man himself, Santa Clause, to find out. Even though Mr. Claus is in the midst of his busiest season, he was glad to give some fellow degenerates a few tips on his greatest skill, breaking and entering into homes without getting pinched.
Hard Times: So Mr. Claus, you’re famous for getting into every home in the world in about a day. How do you do it?
Santa: I’m the Michael Jordan–whose house I’ve broken into, by the way–of B&Es. There are several things you need to get as good as I am at this. You mind if I do a J?
By all means.
First, you need to create a diversion. That’s what the reindeer are for. Those dumb little ice pests have hooves made of lead, and you wouldn’t believe how stupid most people are. They actually go outside to check their roof, leaving me the perfect opportunity to slide right down the chimney.
That makes a lot of sense, I’m taking notes. what else?
Well it doesn’t hurt to have an alias. I go by many names. Kris Kringle, St. Nick, Dean Moriarty… I don’t even think my old lady Mrs. Claus knows my real name. Come to think of it, I may have forgotten myself.
Have you ever been busted?
Sure I got pinched once. Almost did a nickel in Rikers for it but my lawyer got it down to six months. I didn’t snitch on nobody though. Jack Frost still thinks I’m the one who ratted his ass out, don’t believe that shit.
And how do you avoid police now?
Easy, I just use the Santa thing. It’s all about reputation. I say some shit about the “magic of Christmas” and just drop all the stuff I had picked up as if they’re gifts that I brought. That’s my thing though don’t steal that. Build your own mythology.
But you do have “helpers.”
You see some fat ass red coat at a shopping mall that motherfucker is either kicking up to me or about to get cut.
Thanks so much for letting us hear this great advice. Is there anything else you want our readers to know?
Yeah most people leave me milk and cookies which I don’t care for. Stop fucking doing that. Usually I dump them in the garbage and grab as many beers as I can fit in my bag out of the fridge. So I guess like, buy more beer on Christmas Eve.
Well I will for sure. Merry Christmas Santa!
Give me your fucking shoes.