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We Sat Down With Jared Kushner and Now We Have To Testify in Front of a Grand Jury

Venerated slumlord and accomplished kleptocrat Jared Kushner is a busy man. When he’s not leading the federal government’s lack of response to a raging, totally out-of-control pandemic, you might find him in his office shredding all kinds of documents! At least we did, anyway. Once we made it through security.

Ya know that flippant demeanor you see Jared sport on TV? Apparently, that’s just an act for the cameras because he freaked the fuck out when he saw us. We didn’t get a single word in before he flung himself on his desk to hide a stack of papers and started shrieking hysterically about how he’s too delicate for prison. We guess he didn’t see our press credentials (they’re like backstage passes but for news).

Anyway, in a real 2020 turn of events, we were the ones who got interviewed.

Prosecutor: Can you please state your name for the record?

The Hard Times: The Hard Times. Um, why are we here?

Everyone who comes within 12 feet of Jared Kushner is presumed to be a witness to a crime. Where were you the night of the seventeenth?

Are you a cop? Because you have to say so if you are.

…I’m a federal prosecutor.

So we can buy weed from you?

Did Jared mention Mohammed bin Salman or Semion Mogilevich?

Yeah, you’re definitely a cop. Can you give us our weed money back?

Alright look, did Mr. Kushner make any threats against you before you came to court today? Yes or no?!

What happens if we don’t feel like answering that question?

I can have you held in contempt of court and sent to jail until you feel like it.

We see… Is there any chance you’re saying that unironically?

Okay, let’s take a little break.

You get the idea. The prosecutor told us to come back in a week and bring a lawyer. Coincidentally, Rudy Giuliani has already reached out. He said he can represent us and that he definitely won’t spend all his time trying to make things better for Jared.