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Untrue: Not Every Pop Punk Vocalist Successfully Sleeps With Underage Girls

As the singer and frontman for a moderately successful local pop punk band I’d like to dispel the damaging rumors that all pop punk vocalists sleep with underage girls. This is simply not true. I have never once slept with an underage girl no matter how hard I try.

This stereotype is hurtful. How do you think it makes me, a singer who can’t get underage girls to sleep with him, feel? I know what you see when you look at me. You think, “that’s just another one of those predatory pop punk singers who drives into town, sleeps with an underage girl, and leaves the next day.” But that’s a lie! I’d LOVE to be that guy. But not matter how hard I try it’s just not happening.

I’ve tried everything! I even do that creepy thing where I pretend I have to pee so I can follow girls to the venue bathrooms to try and talk to them one on one. Not only did this not work, but now the entire pop punk scene in Topeka thinks I have IBS.

It doesn’t matter what I do! I message girls via their instagram stories to slide into their DMs without seeming too forward. I’ve ran that trick since my tumblr page with the anonymous question box. Damn, picking up teenage girls was so much simpler back when I wasn’t 32. Millennials killed romance.

I even target girls who appear the most vulnerable at my shows. I have made so many empty promises to these girls, I’m practically a politician running to get laid. And I’m losing to, “sorry, my mom is picking me up” by a landslide.

Everyone says, “oh pop punk vocalists take advantage of girls who are too young and naive to say no.” But it’s not true! These girls are SMART! That’s another harmful stereotype. If society didn’t perpetuate the lie that young girls are not intelligent, I wouldn’t have gotten tricked into giving thousands of dollars to girls who say they’re gonna use the money on airfare to come and visit me. This is why I need feminism.

We must remove all harmful stereotypes from our perceptions even if they are positive. So the next time you hear a seemingly positive stereotype about a group of people being intelligent, hardworking, athletic, able to commit statutory rape with the greatest of ease, or some other positive attribute, remember that these are still prejudice viewpoints that we cannot allow into our society.