2009 was a simpler time. Obama was in office, James Cameron had unleashed ‘Avatar’ on our feeble minds, and K-Stew and R-Patz were an item. It really was a “Party in the U.S.A.” back then, and nothing quite exemplified it like shopping at Urban Outfitters while Empire of the Sun blasted in the background.
I truly felt alive wandering around that store. The questionable tribal print t-shirts, unlimited Himalayan salt lamps, and overpriced American Apparel hoodies were like a river we had no idea would one day stop flowing. I’ve been searching for that same feeling for years. I haven’t had any real success yet, but here are some attempts I’ve made at re-capturing the magic:
1. Hit up Mike from college and ask if he wants to go to the mall on Wednesday even though he has kids and a full-time job. He kindly declines. Instead, I go to the mall on my own, wonder where all the stores are, and commit some light shoplifting at Bath and Body Works.
2. Blast Arcade Fire and stare out the window like I’m in a music video. Get pulled over for driving too slow on the freeway while screaming the lyrics to “Wake Up.”
3. Get sidebangs right before my brother’s wedding. My hair is not very long, so micro bangs will do. Pose for all pictures with my feet turned inward and text lyrics to myself the whole time for posting later on Tumblr.
4. Get stoned in a Rite Aid parking lot and eat Burger King at 1 am. Drive around my neighborhood listening to old episodes of Loveline with Dr. Drew while realizing I may have been the problem in most, if not all, of my relationships.
5. Mix a bunch of liqueurs, Kool-Aid Aid and whatever alcohol my parents have at their house in the biggest bowl I can find. Bring it over to my buddy Mike’s house. He’s not there, so I set up a chair on his front lawn and drink the jungle juice out of a ladle. I’m between jobs, so I have the time to learn how to play Owl City’s “Fireflies” on the ukulele and post it on Facebook.
6. Watch the special features on ‘The Hangover’ DVD. Quote it word for word to my parents. Take Molly at home by myself while listening to MGMT’s Oracular Spectacular. My dog looks at me like I’m ruining his life.
7. Fill an empty water bottle with Vodka and bring it with me to minigolf. Call Mike and ask him if he wants to come through. He tells me he’s not that guy anymore and that I need to get my shit together. Classic Mike.
8. Take a photo of myself holding a sign for Mike that says “S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)” and post it on Instagram with a Valencia filter. Tag Mike and all of his coworkers and exes. He’ll have to respond to me now.