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If Transparency Is So Great Why Did This Outfit Get Me Sent Home From Work?

It seems like you can’t turn on a TV or scroll your Facebook feed these days without hearing about transparency. “Transparency is what our country needs,” they say. “It keeps people accountable for their actions,” they shout. I’ll admit I was skeptical, but if it’s for the good of America, count me in.

But what exactly is transparency? Webster’s defines it as, “the condition of being transparent.” Armed only with this information, I headed to the mall to start my new venture.

A lot of the sales people acted like they didn’t know what I was talking about. “You heard about it on the news?” one uninformed cashier asked me. “Please sir, put your pants back on,” said another out of touch clerk.

With no help from lamestream stores I headed to a different part of town where some very nice men helped me properly embrace this idea of transparency. Boy, did they have a weird store. It must be a store for humans and horses because there was all kinds of leather gear. A store for horses, right in the middle of the city? Those guys aren’t gonna’ be in business long!

With my newly found embrace of transparency, I headed to work. You should have seen the look on my coworker’s faces. They were so jealous they could hardly make eye contact with me! I bet Cheryl is really regretting her, “no dating coworkers” rule now.

Related: Fake News Must Be Stopped Unless It Supports My Wildly Inaccurate and Misinformed Beliefs

Then stupid Brenda calls me into her stupid office and you know what she says? Stuff like “inappropriate,” and “offensive to your coworkers,” and “I’m really tired of having this conversation, Jason.”

Can you believe this? Here I am achieving what others strive so hard for, and this is how I’m rewarded? With a two day suspension, that’s how. Brenda from HR says I need to spend some time, “reconsidering my choices.” Jokes on you Brenda, because now I have two days to spend at home constructing one of those echo chambers I keep hearing about.