When you see a car accident it’s tough to look away. You know you might see something that could haunt your dreams for months to come, but you keep staring. What happened to. Rex Masterson, CEO of Toxabrand Industries, is arguably far worse than seeing the decapitated body of person just trying to ride their motorcycle to work, far worse.
Without warning, this evil titan of industry started singing and dancing, but his hired thugs clearly didn’t know what they were doing. It was tough for everyone involved, especially those who had to watch.
Masterson had just muttered the words “…but first, they need a little inspiration,” to his rival on the phone before pointing to a brass section. As the instruments started playing a bombastic tune, several henchmen who were supposed to act as his stairs failed to get in position in time, leaving Masterson having to awkwardly jump down his pedestal.
As the CEO sang, “I have a silver spoon in my mouth and a steel knife in my hand,” employee Robby Mastrobuoni casually tossed the knife in Masterson’s direction. This caused him to jump back in fear and bump into the crowd of brought-in synchronized dancers that Masterson had hired. The collision caused all of the dancers to fall like dominoes, making most of the henchmen who had been on time get even more distracted.
Determined to finish his song, Masterson lunged to press the giant red button that revealed a pool with crocodiles and sharks. Unfortunately, the henchman’s union had a designated lunch at that exact moment and foolishly set up their tables on top of the trap door. Though in an instance he lost twenty hired men, he still aimed for the grand finale upon the catwalk above.
Bellowing the chorus “I make enough green, so why do I need trees?” the CEO high stepped up the ramp, but it was pretty rusty and squeaked with each step. As the remaining goons tried to keep down vomit at the sight of their dead coworkers and put their hands above their head, the claps between his words failed to be syncopated. Most of the giant screens surrounding him showed his nefarious deeds, but one work-from-home neerdowell accidentally pulled up Zoom on the huge TV, frantically trying to turn it off.
The worst part is that Masterson can’t redo this. He sold way too many of his own stock options to be able to afford this, so he can’t exactly easily redo the performance. This was supposed to be broadcast directly to his rival’s lair, but the goons had somehow overlaid a compilation of Stephen A. Smith hot takes in the right corner.
We hope he learns his lesson and never tries this again.