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Top 5 Places Where We Could Totally Have Shows Here, Dude

Here at Hard Style we know better than anyone how tough it can be to find a good spot to host a wild punk show. Most places either charge too much to rent the room, or just don’t understand the energy a great punk show elicits from the audience. That’s why we’ve scoured the globe and beyond to bring you the top five places where we could totally have shows, dude.

Kleptomaniax Old Practice Space, San Antonio, TX

venue 1

Dude, this place would be perfect. I used to fill in on drums for this band that practiced here in, like, 2009. Kleptomaniax? Remember? The guitarist kept trying to steal my Melvins tapes so I told them all to fuck off. I think they moved out ‘cause of asbestos or lead or some shit, but that was a long time ago. I have it on good authority that the landlord does month-to-month. We could totally have shows here.

Mike’s Basement, Madison, WI

venue 2

Listen, I know Mike’s not really into punk, but motherfucker owes me one after the hot sauce incident. So I figure we just clear out the couches while he’s at work, bring in the PA, and surprise him. I mean, what’s he gonna do? It’s Mike. And look at this place — it’s perfect. So we could definitely have shows here, is what I’m saying. Holy shit, is that a fucking lava lamp? What a clown.

Old Bay Bridge, San Francisco Bay, CA.

venue 3

Related: All Opinions Are Welcome at This Inclusive Venue Except Those That Are Wrong

All I’m saying is, how much does it cost to rent a gas generator? Forty bucks? Fifty, tops? Then we just wait ‘til it’s dark out, sneak past the demolition security and rip it the fuck up. The cops have bigger shit to worry about in this city, no one is even gonna notice. We could absolutely have shows here. Let’s just hope there isn’t an earthquake.

Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum, Uniondale, NY

venue 4

Ever since the New York Islanders ended their residency at the stadium in 2015, the 18,000-capacity venue has been closed for renovations and largely vacant. OK, hear me out on this one. The stadium hosted the New York Nets from 1972 to 1977 until the team’s move to New Jersey and will serve as the new home of the Long Island Nets, NBA D-League affiliate, at the beginning of the 2017-2018 season. But until then, shit’s the fucking perfect spot for the Defunct Youth gig next month, dude.

K2-25b Exoplanet, Hyades Cluster

venue 5

The K2-25b Exoplanet orbits a dwarf red star, the youngest variety in the galaxy and because of this, scientists can surmise that K2-25b is a young planet as well. There’s no reason to not think that it may one day support life. Come on, tell me that wouldn’t be fucking sick. Space punks! I timed it out and the day K2-25B is closest to Earth is the same night as the Crucial Justice reunion. And the Hyades Cluster is the closest star cluster to Earth, so it’s not even that far. We’ll just start our show early, it’s not that fucking hard. Honestly, we could totally have shows here, dude.

Can you think of any other places in the know universe where we could totally have shows, dude? Let us know in the comments below.