We’ve all been there. You get dressed to the nines for a night out on the town, head out the door to meet your crew, and then they point downwards and give you that look. And that’s when you realize your fly is down and making you look like a complete tool.
The struggle is real. But nobody’s had it as bad as Phoenix punk Baxter “Baxterd” Cunningham, who went out last night with 27 of his zippers down!
Baxterd is known in the Phoenix scene for rocking the freshest zipped-up gear.
“We call him Mr. Zips,” said local punk Anya Whips. “He’s always got the latest bondage pants and zipper jackets. I’ve never seen him without at least a dozen zippers on him. One time I heard him say that having less than 10 zippers on your body at anytime made you a mark-ass poser.”
These are words to live by as far as Hard Style is concerned.
But when Baxterd stepped out of his shared live/work space to meet up with friends, Skinny Fats and Edie Falconetti, at Forelli’s Pizza last night he was the one looking like the mark-ass poser. He was wearing an outfit that featured 28 zippers criss-crossing his body, but alas- only the crotch zipper was up.
We could just die with embarrassment for Baxterd at this point.
“I drank two liters of Pibb Xtra and was feeling super lit,” Baxterd told us. “I was so stoked to get out there and wreck some fools at the show that I must have forgotten to zip up.”
Not an excuse, look at yourself man!
Eyewitnesses on the scene saw Baxterd arriving at the pizza joint in his scandalous new gear.
“All that pasty, exposed white flesh — it was blinding,” said waitress Miranda Hopps. “Like staring at a field of snow in broad daylight.”
Even Baxtreds friends were taken aback at his faux pas. “Skinny Fats knocked over a red pepper flake shaker while he was trying to shield his eyes,” said Eddie Falconetti. “It was so bright, so white, and so uncool.”
Posts on Instagram and Snapchat of Baxterd out on the town confirm this shocking display of bare unpunk skin. Patches of hair on his thighs and back looked like a science teacher’s comb over.
Ugh. Everyone knows punks should be silky smooth.
“Whatever, man,” a still-abashed Baxterd told us. “I’m a trend-setter, alright? Just wait — soon all these mark-ass posers are gonna be walking around town with their five or six zippers down. If you think I looked dumb, you just don’t understand fashion.”
Yeah right dude, you’re not fooling us.