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This Machine Sends Articles From the New Yorker to Fascists

Years from now we’re going to look back in this era of American history and examine what each and every one of us did to stem the tide of fascism. Did you just go about your day sipping coffee and singing folk songs while power-hungry bigots pushed their oppressive agendas? Or did you stand up and tell them you’re not going to have any of their tyrannical bullshit? You can count me in for the latter because this machine regularly sends fascists links to sternly written articles from the New Yorker.

Look, not all of us are going to be anti-fascist folk-gods like Woodie Guthrie. But what I lack in musical talent, I make up for with a subscription to the New Yorker and time on my hands. And baby, I wield both of ’em like an AR-15, which is another thing I’ll be sending you some articles about.

As my man Woodie said, “The times, they are a-changin'” and that’s still true today. The world is a different place than when he was making physical threats via the only genre that makes smooth jazz look tough. We’re fighting a digital war, people! Every time I log into Facebook, an endless sea of Trump-loving colleagues and adult intramural kickball acquaintances lay before me, firing off online salvos from “WWW.USA.EAGLE.RU” about how Trump is secretly still the President. That’s when I DM them a link to a 4,000-word think piece about the connection between QAnon and mental illness and spend the rest of the day standing in the mirror and asking my reflection for an autograph.

I sleep easy knowing I’m doing my part to smash the fash. You think it’s OK to keep migrant kids in cages? Boom! Enjoy this well-researched expose about detention camp abuse, 90% of which is hidden behind a paywall. Shitposting Ben Garrison cartoons? Suck on this pithy comic of two dogs talking about how they need to spay their owners. Pew! Pew! My arsenal is endless.

The war against tyranny is far from over and if we’re going to win this thing we need to focus on making real change. Primarily by copy and pasting links to articles written at an 11th-grade level.