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The 5 Wackiest Amazon Products You Could Buy If You Weren’t Working for Slave Wages in Their Warehouse

If there’s one thing Amazon excels at more than exploiting the toils of a burgeoning slave class, it’s camp. Need a break from contemplating the horrifying allegory of the film Sorry to Bother You? These 5 crazy products will have you saying “It insidious and terrifying that Amazon is forcing us to cozy up to a lower standard of living but man, look at this weird stuff!”

1. Squirrel Toilet Seat Tattoo Decal
Oh what fun you’ll have going to the toilet only to see a squirrel looking at you! Only use it if you don’t work at the Amazon British warehouses because most employees are forced to urinate in bottles so they don’t have to take a bathroom break.

2. UFO Detector
Do you think it really works? Either way don’t discuss this with other employees or you’ll be penalized for talking instead of working

3. Puff-N-Fluff Dog Dryer
Aw look at that dog get dry! Though you probably should save your money for more practical items seeing as how you can barely affording rent

4. Creepy Cage Face Throw Pillow
Umm what nightmare is this? Nic Cage’s face looks like the boss when you tell him that the employees were thinking about unionizing

5. Sir Perky Novelty Condiment Bottle Topper
Not only are these people selling mustard bottle nozzles, but they make it look like someone is pooping on your hotdog! Hilarious! Speaking of meals, don’t get this if you are amongst the one in three amazon employees in arizona who have to use food stamps

Honorable mentions:

6. Calary Useless box
Really there is nothing against any of the people who make these products, it’s just strange for employees to be making so little for a company worth almost a trillion and its creator having the highest net worth in America with over 150 billion. Seems like a flaw in trickle down economics.

7. Baby Mop
please don’t give Jeff Bezos ideas to turn your babies into the warehouse’s new janitors.