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How to Tell If Your Witchy Girlfriend Put Another Spell on You

A lot of you reading this know there is something undeniably sexy about a witchy woman. Even the most logical guy can get sucked in by the mysterious allure of a barista with astrological tattoos and a black metal tank top. Most guys enter into relationships with these crystal-touting occultists thinking all the hocus-pocus is just bullshit. But what happens when your spellbinding beauty actually starts casting spells?

It might sound like a joke, but trust me, it’s no laughing matter. Here are some surefire signs your witchy girlfriend has put another spell on you.

1. She made you drink something strange.

First off, you may be asking yourself how you ended up with a witchy girlfriend to begin with. In my case, I saw Trinity at the local organic coffee shop for months and she never caught my eye. It wasn’t until she insisted I tried some special tea she had brewed “just for me” that I suddenly felt like she was irresistible. Think back, did your girlfriend every offer you something strange to drink when you first met? Did you ever catch her mumbling in tongues when she was around you, or did she pull out a strand of your hair when you weren’t looking? Black magic could be responsible for the very existence of your relationship.

2. Birds have been crashing into your window, and all food tastes like blood.

A little love spell never hurt anyone, right? At first it was probably all wild sex by candle light with incenses burning and Burzum blasting. It could be worse, right? But now you’re feeling that pentagram tattoo and all those animal skulls and graveyards she’s always instagraming aren’t as cute as you first thought. A few weeks into my relationship with Trin all my food started to taste like blood, and locusts ate all the plants in my garden. These strange occurrences coincided with her deciding she didn’t like my friends, my extensive Lockin’ Out t-shirt collection, or me watching the Sox games everyday with my boys. If you start finding toads in your food, or birds are constantly flying into your bedroom window and dying, you might have a problem.

Related: 5 Red-Hot Ways to Spice up the Relationship With Your Drummer

3. The imminent and ever-present threat of death feels much closer.

Witches change their minds fast. You disagree with one tarot card reading and next thing you know all your friends and family are dying one by one in unexplained violent accidents. As for mine and Trinity’s relationship, I ended it as soon as I saw the first decapitated black cat in her bathtub. But breaking it off with a witch can be just as hard as being with them, so watch out. If you’re with a particularity vengeful one their spells can stick around for years after the end of your relationship. Even now as I write this article, my desk as begun to levitate off the ground and my doctor said if I get struck by lightning one more time my heart could explode.