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Stop Giving Her Clitoral Orgasms and Start Giving Her Fake Orgasms

By now just about every guy has mastered the art of giving women the Big O on their Little C. You’ve mashed that button. You’ve popped that pearl. As a guy, I get it. No one’s saying you can’t screw in the light bulb. But now you want to get serious.

Sigmund Freud knew that women could have two kinds of orgasms: clitoral, and fake. He discovered this by telling people it was true. Clitoral orgasms are fine for hobbyists and amateurs, but they’re no match for the powerful, earth-shattering explosions that are only possible when she pretends to climax.

Ernest Hemingway once said, “The quickest way to a woman’s heart is by rattling your dick around inside her until she gives up and fakes it.” There’s no 100 percent guaranteed way to make sure she fakes it. But there are definitely a couple strategies you can try to push her in the right direction. You can tell her that you feel like less of a man when your spastic thrusts of love fail to send her off to O-town (for extra points spend a lot of time sulking about this and withdrawing your affection). Or, you can tell her that according to Freud, only immature women have clitoral orgasms. This will help her grow as a person, and by person I mean actress.

If neither of these methods work, you can try simply putting your hands behind your head during sex, closing your eyes, and ignoring your partner completely until she flails conveniently off your dick in the throes of simulated ecstasy.

Related: Hey You, Crowd Killing. Get Your Dick Inside Me. Now.

If you’ve tried all of these techniques with no success, don’t lose hope. Wait a few years, and maybe you’ll find a girlfriend with lower self-esteem. The most important thing to remember is, it’s not about how her orgasm feels to her, it’s about how it makes YOU feel, and you’ll feel like a total porn star when you hear her hoot and holler in make-believe pleasure!

Go get ’em, tiger!

Article by Ella Gale @hellakale