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Stop Complaining About the Removal of Confederate Statues and Start Helping Me Build New Ones

I’m sick and tired of hearing all these bullshit arguments against the removal of confederate monuments in our country. Whether you’re a white nationalist, a neo nazi, or just some sad sack hiding behind the “we need to preserve history” defense, it doesn’t matter. YOU ARE WRONG! Stop telling me how upset you are about the removal of a bunch of racist old statues and start helping me build AWESOME NEW ONES!

Real men don’t march down the street carrying tiki torches, they carry trowels and get shit done. What part of “the south will rise AGAIN” don’t you understand? You love the confederacy but you want it immortalized by a bunch of junk made like a hundred years ago? Think of the advantages modern technology can bring to the celebration of our heritage. Laser accurate carving. 3D printing. If everyone reading this would get off their asses and join me we could have hundreds of vibrant multimedia installations that make the spirit of the confederacy come alive!

We need to accept the fact that history is a fluid, living thing and that symbols change over time. It’s time to bring the narrative of the confederacy into the 21st century! The statues we have now are boring. You’re marching to preserve a statue of Robert E. Lee riding a horse? Horses are an antiquated symbol of the past.

Why settle for that lame statue when we could have one of General Lee riding The General Lee from Dukes of Hazzard! Do you want to take your children to see a man on a horse or do you want to take them to see the most brilliant general to ever live cruising in a giant bronze Dodge Charger rigged to blare Skynyrd tunes every time someone approaches it?!

I know what I would rather see.

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The possibilities are limitless! Imagine a monument of Stonewall Jackson being saluted by the Beverly Hillbillies, Nathan Bedford Forrest shaking hands with Forrest Gump, or singing with Ethan Suplee’s character in American History X!

Err, maybe the American History X one is a bad example I… I just like that movie is all. I’m not like a Nazi or whatever…. look the point is this is about history. That’s probably why American HISTORY X popped into my head. The movie has the word history right in there in the title. I’m obviously not racist… whatever, you get it.

I know there are people reading this who agree with me and if we all pool our resources and make the new statues badass enough people won’t want to EVER tear them down. So if you’re with me, be sure to visit my Kickstarter to help get this project started. Donors of $40 or more will receive a thank you email and a DVD copy of Disney’s The Song Of The South.


Article by Dan Rice @Danricecomedy