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I Stole My Dad’s Identity to Get Him to Talk to Me

My dad and I have had a tense relationship for as long as I can remember. Since I was a little boy I’ve done everything I could to try and earn his attention. But he’s always been too wrapped up in his work to make time for me. Which is why I did the only thing left I could think of: I stole my dad’s identity just to get him to talk to me.

Some sifting through his wallet and a little social engineering to learn his passwords gave me all the information I needed. It’s amazing what you can teach yourself when your dad would rather do some science bullshit than hear about your Yu-Gi-Oh! card collection again. I opened up a bunch of new credit cards in his name, did a lot of illegal online gambling, and plunged him into debt.

What can I say? 

I’ve been at odds with the man for years, it was about time I finally took back some control. He’s never seen me do my sword moves in the driveway and he always had a shitty excuse for it like, “Sorry son, I’m in outer space right now for work.” The excuses won’t cut it anymore, Dad. If you want me to tell you all your new passwords you’re going to have to watch me duel my friend Alex.

When I was a kid my friends thought it was so cool that my dad was an astronaut. But let me tell you, it’s not that cool when you hit a game-winning home run and your dad completely misses it because he’s out orbiting the moon somewhere. Sure, it seems awesome from the outside when he’s getting medals and we are meeting the president, but that doesn’t mean he’s getting out of having an actual conversation with me if he wants me to cancel all these magazine subscriptions.

Related: OPINION: You’re Not My Dad

It’s not even like he made up for his neglect when he was home. He’d bring me rocks from the moon as a gift! Like, what? You couldn’t have picked up something cooler before returning? There’s no GameStop up there? No Funko pop collectibles? I don’t even feel bad about buying all this stuff for myself with these credit cards. I’ve earned it after years spent with this selfish interstellar-exploring bastard as a father.

He’s up there right now and last thing I’ve heard is that his ship has, “Lost all communication and may never return.” Classic Dad, won’t come home and deal with his problems! 

Have you stolen your astronaut Dad’s identity just to get him to talk to you? Let us know in the comments below!

Photo by Chris Wood.