The hubris of mankind has always been it’s downfall, and scientists working with the Brookfield Zoo in Chicago have been the latest to learn this lesson. After tampering with God’s domain by attempting to teach Nora the gorilla sign language, she won’t stop talking about how Mike Vallely is her favorite Black Flag frontman.
Nora positing that former skateboarder Mike Vallely is somehow better than both Henry Rollins and Keith Morris was never in the plans for these scientists. “We never even talked to her about music,” says researcher and blasphemer Elaine Neeg. “We were just teaching her basic words like ‘food’ or ‘blanket.’ We had no idea where or how she got on this punk rock nonsense, but we came in one day and she just wouldn’t stop talking about this Mike Vallely guy.”
This is truly disgraceful, painting a portrait of humanity constantly wondering if they can do something without stopping to consider whether or not they should do something.
Attempts to rehabilitate Nora have been futile. Several of the scientists have been spending hours on end with her in an attempt to curb this behavior to no avail. Nora has thus far been extremely uncooperative and unreceptive to these therapies.
Reports from the lab paint a grim picture of an upset gorilla dropping massive shits on the ground whenever scientists sign the phrases “TV Party” or “My War” at her. Any attempts to guide her back to the sign language coursework planned out for her are invariably ruined by Nora violently signing about her enthusiasm for the latest era of Black Flag.
Nora is currently being held in solitude to avoid influencing the other gorillas with her bad behavior and ludicrous punk rock opinions.
Nora the gorilla’s story is not causality, no, but a symptom of a larger problem: man’s furthering from God’s guiding light. We can only hope that the scientists of the Brookfield Zoo have realized just how far they’ve drifted from the light, and will do everything they can in order to restore order to the world. Until then, Nora the gorilla’s enthusiasm for Mike Vallely will be just another vile expression of humanity at its worst and most corrupted. God have mercy on our souls.