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Sorry Kid: I Only Donate to Patreons

Look kid, I’d help if I could. Everybody knows I’m the most generous person. But unlike others who give away their hard earned money to random charities while in line at the grocery store, I am very selective of who I donate my money too.

So you can stand there in your fancy outfit and try to peddle your overpriced cookies all day, but until you record a sick podcast or you make the best damn YouTube channel I’ve ever seen, the velcro on my chain wallet will remain un…velcroed? Because I only donate to Patreon pages.

Look, I understand that it’s not your fault. Even though my tone and words clearly imply that I think it is your fault. I know you’re just doing what you were told by your scout leader or your mommy or whoever this woman is to your right who’s been glaring at me this entire time.

I know you’re just doing what you think is right. But with most charities you don’t know where the money ends up going. Sometimes as little as 5% goes to the actual cause. Thanks to Patreon’s policy of transparency, I can be certain that at LEAST 88% of the money I donated will go towards important causes like better graphics on Red Letter Media’s intentionally poorly written video intros or funding Cum Town’s latest cocaine/Vitamix binge.

Where you donate means just as much as donating in the first place. Remember that, kid.

And don’t get me started on AWARENESS charities. They’re basically telling you that the money goes to throwing events for rich people to attend or to fly charity founders out to participate in lavish events. Let’s not forget about the whole Pink charity fiasco in the NFL. How people don’t serve jail time for running charity scams is beyond me. So watch out for that too.

Sorry kid, I’d love to keep opening your eyes to the world but it’s the end of the month and I have to cancel about 17 Patreon pledges before my account gets overdrafted again.