It’s the holidays, which means it’s time to go home an delicately navigate social interaction with the right-wing bigots you have nothing in common with you call “family.” Your clan has a clear “No politics on holidays” rule (which your uncle loves to repeat while wearing his MAGA hat) but they can’t control your language! Here are 10 updated holiday terms that will enrage your uncle into an early grave faster than “He is a convicted felon who is mentally unfit to hold the office of the presidency” ever could.
1) Snowman = Snowperson
The perfect term to slip into conversation over some Irish coffee with the uncle. Wait for him to take a sip, then ask if he’s made a snowperson with the kids this year. I dare you. He’ll turn a shade of red you didn’t know was possible for the human skin organ to create.
2) Mrs. Clause = Gertrude Clause
She has a name, asshole.
3) Italian Rainbow Cookies = Luigi’s Cookies
Because in this house? Luigi is a hero. And, as respectfully as possible, a sex symbol. By “house” I mean whatever building I’m physically in when I see Italian Rainbow Cookies.
4) Gingerbread Men = Gingerbread Them
“Does everything have to adhere to such rigid heterosexual gender norms??? Are you really that insecure?”
5) Snowflake = Cold Rain
“That just is exactly what it is. Believe science. And while you’re at it? Believe women.”
6) Gay = Gay
This is the only non-updated holiday terminology on the list. It means cheerful, jolly, full of mirth. It also happens to be the word your uncle is probably most afraid of being called because his masculinity is as fragile as a hand-blown glass ornament. Might I suggest sending him a nice holiday text? Something like…”gr8 seeing u and cuz so gay while watching football together. I hope 2 b as gay as u 1 day! Happy HOLIDAYS”
7) Snow Angel = Snow Plasma
Again, science is important. Aliens are in New Jersey, and soon some of us will be beamed up. Anyways – The closest thing to what people describe as “angels” are amorphous masses that are more accurately described as plasma. Sorry to burst your bubble, unc.
8) Shortbread = Averageheightbread
Do we have to point out everything’s physical stature? Even when it comes to something I dip into my tea? This year I’ll be leaving a plate of averageheightbread by the fire for Santa.
9) Rudolph = “The Twink”
I said what I said. I believe this to be true, and if you took one second to think about it you would agree. Maybe this is an opportunity to teach your shitty uncle some new terminology that he’ll think over in his pea brain for the rest of the evening. Cheers!
10) Happy New Year = Billionaires Should Not Exist, Revolt
We will never truly have a happy new year until the financial ruling class is overthrown and made to pay for their crimes against the species. This year, makes your ressolution a revolution.