Hate is a word usually reserved for one’s most despised enemies, but what if the most pustulant, putrid, revolting human being you can think of is yourself? Well, if you’re self-described “subhuman clown boner,” Fleck Changstein, you spend the day loathing every inch of yourself, from your stupid hair to your weirdly knobby ankles. However, in a surprise twist of fate, Fleck recently found someone he hates even more than himself.
“I was at Wal-Mart buying a bottle of Tylenol PM and a handle of vodka,” Explained Changstein while watching a noose-tying tutorial on YouTube. “When I got to the checkout, I heard the guy in front of me say, ‘Hey chief if it doesn’t scan, it’s free, right? LoL.’”
Changstein described the man as “the human equivalent of having a railroad spike driven through your skull.”
“When he spoke, I had an epiphany,” Fleck continued, “Maybe I wasn’t the grossest person alive. I mean, I’ve done some despicable things, but I’ve never said el-oh-el out loud in conversation.”
From there, Changstein’s life took an unexpected upswing as he realized he had found someone nastier than him. This inspiring moment of self-reflection caused Fleck to take the single greatest step toward self-improvement he had ever attempted. He officially deemed his birth only the second worst crime ever committed against nature.
“Don’t get it twisted.” Said Fleck while looking in the mirror and giving his reflection the finger. “I still absolutely loathe myself to the point where if I had a time machine, I’d use it to go back in time and force-feed my mom the Plan B pill. The only difference is now I would find that douchebag’s Father first and crush his balls with a big rock.”
Since his chance encounter with the crass troglodyte at Walmart, Changstein has noted a major improvement in both his physical and mental well-being.
“Finding someone I hate even more than myself has definitely improved my mental health.” said Fleck while perusing razor blades on Amazon. “Before I would spend all day calling myself a loser who steals precious oxygen from more deserving people. But now? Even though I still think I’m a flaming bag of dogshit I know that If I don’t use that oxygen, someone even worse will.”
Wow, what an absolutely breathtaking example of the positive effect a random encounter with a stranger can have on one’s life!