After years of circling the dating drain pool, I was almost ready to give up and accept my fate as an angry solitary woman who said things like, “Knock it off,” and “Your dog can’t be off leash here,” but as fate would have it, I received a notification from a long-forgotten dating app. An eligible bachelor with the username broken_farts_club thought I was hot and wanted to take me to a craft brewery. “Why not?” I thought. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
As with most first dates, the conversation was strained and uncomfortable, but the awkwardness didn’t stand a chance once the server dropped off our third pitcher of German pilsner.
The sexual tension was palpable and the second he “accidentally” grazed my knee under the table, I knew we were headed for pound town. We decided to drive back to my place despite numerous pleas from the waitstaff and even some concerned customers urging us to “call an Uber.” Don’t they know it’s not considered drunk driving if the beer was brewed locally?
It was such a nice change of pace to be with a guy who wasn’t overly concerned with the law. Just as I was gazing over at him thinking about our future together, a man in the car next to us gave us the middle finger and accused us of “swerving all over the damn road like a couple of assholes.” I’m sorry, but putting your life at risk for a few seconds on the highway is no excuse for that kind of language. Almost as if ruled by telepathy, my new soulmate and I silently agreed to terrorize this man within an inch of his sanity.
I couldn’t believe my eyes when my date pulled out a bag of rotting fruit and other miscellaneous hand-held items from under his seat, because I too had a bag of weapons-adjacent items in my car that I used to commit unwarranted acts of road rage. Laughing maniacally, we reached into the bag and began to pelt the Toyota Camry with a barrage of rotten tomatoes, small rocks, and old take-out containers. Was this love?
We were having the time of our life tailgating the Camry and covering it with debris, but in all our ecstasy, we didn’t realize he’d led us right to the local police station. The gig was up. Turns out when you find somebody to match your freak, you also might find yourself facing up to two years in prison for reckless endangerment, menacing, and harassment.