Monster Energy drinks are the lifeblood of musicians and athletes alike. There are seemingly hundreds of varieties to choose from. This week, I picked up one of every Monster at the liquor store by my apartment to determine which flavor is best.
In hindsight, I probably should have taken just a small sample of each one somalie style. Instead, I pounded can after can until the beast within me was truly and medically released, and I had to be induced into a coma as I had become a threat to myself and others. Anyway, here’s how far I got.
Monster Energy (Original)
This is your entry-level Monster. It’s got that sweet, citrusy chemical taste we’ve all grown to love. And it packs more than a full day’s supply of whatever the fuck D-glucuronolactone is. Just one of these bad boys gives me the strength to load a dirt bike into my truck by hand, no ramps needed! Try pulling that off with one of those inferior energy drinks!
Monster Energy Lo-Carb
Not too shabby. There’s a familiar artificial citrus flavor but it’s a little less sweet. This blue beast has all the caffeine and “Energy Blend” you get from its green brother, which I desperately need right now to fight this sugar crash I’m experiencing as that first Monster wears off. My entire body is vibrating with approval as I fire back my second Monster of the day.
Monster Energy Zero Ultra
Yum, yum, yum! I’ve never tried the white Monster before. I usually stick to the green one because it’s the O.G. and I loved it enough to get the logo tattooed on my chest in high school so why would I have done that if there was anything wrong with it that needed to be “zeroed” out of the recipe, huh, can you tell me that? I am so fucking into this flavor! I think I’ll try a few of the other Ultra variants next to see if they’re all this good!
Monster Energy Ultra Violet
HOLY SHIT THIS ONE IS FUCKING PURPLE!
Monster Energy Ultra Fiesta Mango
Not enough purple! Not even close. Ultra Fiesta Mango was hard for me to finish. Mostly because the Howling Man phased in through my kitchen wall and tried to stop my research but you can go eat shit, Howling Man! I’ve had five cans of Monster and even you aren’t powerful enough to stop me! Now take your snakes and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!
Monster Ultra Blue and Monster Ultra Red mixed together in a bowl and frantically chugged to achieve necessary internal levels of purple
Here comes the purple you shrieking bastard! I should have never betrayed my beloved purple to swill that foul mango concoction. Certainly not with these wretched cobras afoot! Fortunately, I’ve memorized the ancient formula for purple, like my forefathers before me. Only I can resist the wail of the Howling Man and his entourage of serpents!
Well, that’s as far as I got before the National Guard showed up to tranquilize me. Evidently, I had mistaken a local food court for the lodge of The Howling Man and the denizens of said food court for his proxies, who I attacked with a Yield sign I had torn out of the ground mistaking it for the sword of Lightingyore. I wish I could explain it better than that but the details of the mythology I had crafted have faded since the coma. Funny side note, they actually thought I was clinically dead for a few days! I wish I could say this won’t happen again, but it’s come to my attention that there are actually a lot of Red Bull variants now, and I have a job to do.