Press "Enter" to skip to content
Pre-order the new Hard Times book for a chance to win!

Religion Is a Joke: The Positions of Celestial Bodies Determine Your Personality and Fate

I grew up in a pretty religious household. Some of my earliest memories are of my grandfather insisting I get baptized. He’d always stay stuff like, “She won’t go to heaven otherwise!” At the time I found it scary. I worried that some almighty God might make bad things happen to me. But now I just think it’s sad.

I am my own person. My family were slaves to the church, they didn’t know any better. With my diverse set of experiences and strong liberal arts education though, I know that religion is a fraud — it is, in fact, the positioning of stars and planets that guide the motions of our lives.

I mean, think about it: Religions are the tool of the powerful to control the masses. The Christian idea of a literal bearded man sitting in the clouds, judging me — how fucking patriarchal is that?

Ha, sorry, if I’m not going to listen to my dad judging me for accepting my fifth internship, I’m not going to let some made up sky dad judge me too. That’s not how the world works.

How the world ACTUALLY works is based off the motions of luminaries inside the 12 astrological houses. This is clearly self-evident; it’s based off of basic mathematics. There are 360 degrees in a circle and 30 degrees per house. Thus, 12 houses which each correspond to a certain sign — 12 months in a year yields 12 different signs. Just see where the transits fall in your chart and voila! There lie the answers to all of your questions.

Related: If Men Are Paid So Much More, How Come My Girlfriend Always Has Money To Lend Me?

I, like all of you, can see the constellations right there in the sky! Aries, Taurus, Gemini … Ummm, when was the last time you actually saw Jesus?

See, astrology just works. The rules are all laid out and irrefutable. Take the sign of Virgo. People born under that sign are analytical and hard working, and every single person I’ve ever met born between August 22 and September 22 is like that. If you’re a Virgo and don’t think those traits apply to you, please look up, “hospital birth switch” or, “secret adoptions.” Someone may have lied to you.

It’s great to see a tide of change in this country, where people (especially all my female friends age 22-28) are starting to drop religion in favor of the truth: I am having a bad time this week because Mercury is in retrograde … but I know when it stations direct, I’ll be OK. That’s a faith I can count on.

Want to support Hard Times? Buy a shirt. We’ll use the money to write more articles.